a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
