The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Randomize
