who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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