he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize