My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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