i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
