sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
