i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
