Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
