I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
