Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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