I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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