So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Randomize
