I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
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