smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Randomize
