hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
