I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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