Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
