I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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