Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
