I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
