Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
