meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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