Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
