just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
