She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
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