My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
