the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Every concussion has its silver lining
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
