Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
