found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Randomize
