I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
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