I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I have already put on my inside pants.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
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