I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize
