HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize