You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I need to wash the frat house off of me
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
Randomize
