they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
