Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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