Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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