I will die if light touches me.
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
