and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
