Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize
