you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
