Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize