I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I think your dad took our porno
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
