Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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