I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
