Will you blow on my dice?
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
