can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
