I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
