If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize