My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
