Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
