So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
