I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
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