Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
