how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
Randomize
