just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
