Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
