1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Randomize
