Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
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