she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
