awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
