apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
