theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
