At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
